Nong Khiaw and Nuang Ngoi: A Turkey's Thoughts

Nong Khiaw, a beautiful town situated on the Ou river, four hours north of Luang Prabang.

Gorgeous, isn't it?

Stunning?

Amazing?

Astounding.

Hi, folks, it's me, Khamsone the Laos Turkey. A lot of readers complained about the last guest blogger, so this time, Danny decided to get an authentic local.

Anyway, you can call me Mort.

If it's alright with you, I'd like to show you my crib and my hood, so to speak.

Cooleo?

Fantastic. Amazing. Astounding (Danny bought me a thesaurus for my B-day--still getting used to it.) Radical.

So, until a few years ago, Nong Khiaw, my casa, didn't even have electricity.

That's right. No PS3s.

No Starbrights.

Not even a stinking hot water heater.

Then the tourist came.

Here are some locals, talking about how much they love the "Falang" or foreigners, for bringing electricity to their fair city...

Not to mention noise, rudeness, and Australian accents.

Sunset used to mean lights out.

Now, I just turn on my generator, plug in my Sony Plasma television, and watch Chicken Run until morning.

It's my favorite movie--I mean, I AM a Turkey.

But, if you head up the river for an hour, you'll find a bit more peace and quiet and respite.

My cuz Samase, or "Sally," as everyone knows here, lives in Nuang Ngoi. So when I'm looking for some quiet, some solace, some not-loudness, I head up river.

Problem is, the tourists got the same idea.

It's only a matter of time before the place is littered with internet cafes and titty bars.

I mean, look at these photos Sally sent me.

 These Falang roll up asking for the "local foods," the "real deal," and "authenticity. So we give them grubs.

And they say, "how cute," like living French Fries.

So we bust out the Duck blood to scare them off but...

But they slurp that shit up old school!

Then they go to the forest and act like jackasses. 

And won't stop talking about how big the leaves are...

I tell ya, the place is going to shit. As soon as I save up some cash, I'm heading to Uganda. I've heard that place is Stone-Age cool.

*Editors note: I do not approve the above comment regarding the people of Uganda. It's insensitive. But what do you expect? The guest blogger is a turkey...