Chinese Caves of Ipoh: A How To

So, you want to build a Chinese cave to impress your soon-to-be-overlords? Not a bad idea, but you can't just slap together any old cardboard box with a golden plastic Buddha.

First, you're going to need a sweet dragon. In case you hadn't noticed, the Chinese LOVE dragons, because they're awesome. Fire-breathers, they can fly, they haunt your dreams. No brainer. Get yourself a few.

Fun fact: In 2008, the Chinese government decided to censure all references to a famous children's movie dragon--who was it? (answer at bottom of page).

Hold on there, Charlie. Where you gonna put those dragons? You need a cave, brother. Preferably one that looks like a cool cyclops opening his jagged mouth to the world.

Recommendation--do NOT buy a cave on ebay. You get what you pay for.




But that's not all. You also need a totally tranquil pond BEHIND the cave. I know, I know, this is starting to be more of a hassle. But keep at it. Don't forget the sculpted trees, copious status--and get a hold of a mountain and some ducks if you can--I know a guy. After all, there are caves, and then there are CAVES--am I right?

And finally, throw in, say, a thousand or so fish. You know, for the kids. I mean, they don't want to stare at a bunch of Buddha statues, and if you don't give them something, they'll chase all your ducks away and put gum on your fancy stone dragons.

Don't forget the Buddhas. All shapes and sizes. Variety, after all, is the spice of life.


What are you waiting for?

Go out and get yourself a sweet cave.

You'll be glad you did.

Oh, and it was Falkor from The NeverEnding Story who the Chinese government censored.

*Note: Above fact not true (as far as I know)